Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pardon me, Ma'am, but maybe you could use one of those unlimited breadsticks you've got there to shut your screaming baby the hell up!

   I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as hell.

   I wish my life was more like a professional wrestler's. I'd walk into work with entrance music, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show.

   I know how to kill you six different ways with a pork chop bone so don't take the last helping of macaroni...

   Monday came in like a lion and went out like a little b!tch.

   I just don't get it. Some people talk about a bucket list but they are to lazy to get a job and buy the bucket.

   I had a great joke, but Ryan Leaf stole it......

   Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web... I swear.

   Years ago I walked in on my parents having sex. You should see my face in the video.

   King Arthur: "What size and shape should we make the table?"................Sir Mix-a-lot: " I LIKE 'EM ROUND...AND BIG!"

   I someitmes wonder what magical things would've been created had we all put our creativity towards something other than making the internet laugh

   A message in a bottle is just ocean spam. Don't open it.

   Stun guns, corn dogs & inappropriate flags. That's what flea markets are made of.

   Why won't the machines just take over already? I'm tired of doing stuff.

   NOTE TO SELF – Do NOT set your password reminder as “You Should Know This!!”

   Either I've reached the age when my eyebrows have developed a mind of their own, or I'm slowly turning into a werewolf.

   There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those that recognize how diverse people are, and those that think there are only 2 kinds of people

   Spent the day attempting crazy driving stunts because I forgot to read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial.

   Hates that scary moment when you stare at your 10 yr olds empty bed and think..."Maybe that "I'm running away" speech wasn't an April Fool's joke....

   My bucket list is still half Original Recipe,,, and half Extra Crispy.