Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I showered and came to work. Asking me to be productive is pushing it

   Team Edward, Team Jacob, & Team Hey Kid Read Some Anne Rice Already.

   You say "potato," I say "larger more powerful potato."

   If wearing a hoodie automatically made you a suspect there'd be dead emo kids everywhere.

   According to the Amcash commercials, I only need my checkbook and last paystub. Apparently, your last paystub from October 2011 doesn't count!

   ..[̲̅B̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅w̲̅] [̲̅a̲̅] [̲̅r̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅o̲̅] [̲̅f̲̅] [̲̅t̲̅] [̲̅h̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅i̲̅] [̲̅l̲̅] [̲̅l̲̅] [̲̅u̲̅] [̲̅m̲̅] [̲̅i̲̅] [̲̅n̲̅] [̲̅a̲̅] [̲̅t̲̅] [̲̅iÌ

   Every time I see the car commercial with the family singing Crazy Train, I wonder if Ozzy Osbourne thinks to himself, "Azsedgbhnmiolp!"

   Stay out of my dreams if you're not going to be there when I open my eyes

   Dubstep is just dance music with Touretts Syndrom.

   I was thinking about becoming a comedian, but I don't think I'm sad enough.

   Oh, you're dating my ex...I thought the five second rule was for food only...

   A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort,, it is equal to one night.. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

   People are instagraming their tweets so they can upload it to facebook....technology these days

   Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.

   I will rip my teeth out removing a price tag off a new shirt before I look for scissors.

   I saw a piece of s$it on the ground yesterday. It reminded me of you.

   We will flip a coin to determine our future. Head, we will be together. Tail, we will flip again.

   I bet karate experts have a tough time convincing their enemies to lie down flat between two cinder blocks.

   A few of you are upset with me for not removing my facial hair. Not sure why because your not the ones kissing me on the lips. But I am willing to make a compromise. So I will be removing some hair on my right a$$ cheek just in case.

   If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.