Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sexual preference is you… daily!

   Hi, Faithbook! - Mike Tyson

   I stop swearing and everybody thinks I'm asleep? - Bobby Knight

   My gf says her doctor said no sex for 2 weeks ..ahh oh k but what your dentist say..!

   What do men have in their pants that is 6 inches, has a head on it, and women like to blow it? Answer: A $20 dollar bill

   If a chick with big boobs can work at Hooters, why can a women with one leg work at I Hop

   True southerners, don't put a ' in yall

   says, "sex is like a gas station - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for self-service"

   B.I.T.C.H. Beautiful Intelligent Tough Courageous Humorous... Just the way women should be...

   wonders...how many is y'all and how far is over yonder?

   I told the lady Jimmy John delivery driver to give me a call when she was promoted to sandwich making.

   Caution: this Facebook user may use sarcasm and cynicism in a way that you are not accustomed to. Viewer discretion is advised.

   Well, as far as Timeline goes, something tells me my Great-Great Grandchildren are gonna run across mine and say, "WTF!"

   OH MY LORD!! I almost sat down on the toilet without my droid...

   There's a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road, and all I can think,, is that one of you,, is without your protective headgear today.

   Super-Sorry to the family I choked out at the laundromat this a.m. I thought you all stole my beige sock. Just found it in car!

   I believe in love. I also believe in Superman and The Force.

   People who say they don't have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about them.

   "Gigs" are better than "jobs," because at gigs the expectations for your sobriety are significantly lessened.

   I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.