Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You gotta hand it to short people. They're too small to reach it by themselves.

   I'm all for LGBTQ: Lasagna, Gyros, Bacon, Tacos, Quesadillas.

   I just had a physical. The doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "You mean like bacon and burgers?" He said, No, fatty. Don't eat anything."

   If Silly Putty had only applied itself better in school, it would have been Sensible Putty.

   Today I was told the world doesn't revolve around me. I think it could if some people would try harder.

   Gary Koenig. King of stealing other's jokes.

   My wife and I have been married for quite some time. Our secret is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

   Yes, I didn't get the halftime show. I also didn't attend an F-rated school, I'm not part of the 13% that commits 60% of violent crimes, and I know who to send the Father's Day card to on Father's Day.

   I'm gonna bake Valentine's Day cupcakes for a special someone today. That special someone is me.

   To all my friends who are committed: Happy Valentine's Day! And to all my friends who are single: Happy Independence Day!

   When you push a pull door and someone says, "You have to pull". Like yeah, my next plan was to start lifting it from the bottom.

   As far as the music featured in the halftime show went, how about that guitarist? Oh, yeah, there wasn't one. Hey, how about that drummer and bass player? Damn. Neither of those. Hold on. That keyboard player. Wow! Wha? No keyboar

   The same crowd claiming Kendrick Lamar had an important message, is the same crowd who ignored Martin Luther King Jr's message.

   Don't rush into a relationship. Be friends first. Maybe they have hotter friends. Thank me later.

   We're gonna have to paint potatoes this Easter ya'll.

   You gonna eat your butter? No one ever said.

   I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be at Dollar Tree.

   No matter whether you liked the halftime performance or not, one thing is certain. That dressing room stunk afterwards.

   How 'bout dem EGLSES!

   The NFL is rigged, and the halftime show is jigged.