Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember my grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket... "Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   Who the hell watches Ellen Degeneres? she's almost as funny as the death of an immediate family member.

   An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick.

   Oh, you hate drama? Please continue to dramatically complain about it.

   By the age of 60, the average black woman has spent 21900 days (3 years) scratching her weave.

   That uneasy moment when you ask a midget what they want to be when they grow up.

   Knock, knock. Honey, have you finished taking pictures of yourself for facebook? Daddy needs to take a sh!t.

   What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?............ The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with Facebook.

   Your name is something I could moan during sex.

   "Whatcha doin' ... Payin' bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." - The Cat

   These little 'Hug Juice' barrels are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp! Let's make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice, let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar....

   finally told Frasier what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs!

   "Ok just so I'm clear on this - this dog can bark for 11 hrs straight & only poops in other people's yards? I'll take it!" - my neighbor

   Do women know how much energy we expend pretending we don't know why they're mad?

   kleptomania! But when it get's bad I take something for it.

   Seen on a prison wall: "VIRGINITY - who says you can only lose it once?"

   Why do all of the female college basketball players look like Katt Williams ?

   Why must you mock me humpday? We both know I'm not getting any. :p

   my blind son just said this to me "hear ya later"