Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.

   I wear gasoline for cologne because women love the smell of money.

   Check out my brilliant & insightful new article in REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY TODAY! On 2nd thought, don't. It's not for you.

   Next time someone gets in your face and says, "Anytime. Anywhere." say, "Melbourne. 6 years from now."

   A giraffe in a top hat walks into a bar and orders six martinis and shame on you for wanting a punchline. This giraffe needs help.

   I remember when the most important thing to pack for a trip was my toys. Then it was books, then 8-tracks, then a briefcase, then a computer. Now it's my medicine....but I still pack some toys!

   If you think 4G is fast....try pissing her off :)

   Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a paramedic.

   Found some lovely shoes, almost new in fact, I don't know why anyone would throw them away. They were just sitting there outside the mosque.

   Holy Crap!!! I'm watching Fox News as we speak and they just discovered bigfoot for real... wait wait.. disregard it's Chaz Bono....

   1 sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. This means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587GB in 3 seconds... And you thought 4G was fast!

   I woke up on the sexy side of the bed this morning !

   When I dance it looks like a baby covered in baby oil is constantly slipping out of my hands and I'm catching it.

   Had I known how difficult it was to get old people's smell out of a mattress, I never would've gone cougar hunting at the retirement home.

   Right now I wondering if I would have never been conceived, if it weren't for the Doobie Brothers.

   If I ever get a tattoo,I am going to get a grape, that way when I am old,it will be a raisin.

   can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9 yr old boy living in Namibia. He has 1 leg, 1 arm, and 1 eye. Each day he rides 7 miles to school with a bike w/ bent wheels and no brakes. If you just send $2, we will send you the video it's freaking hilarious.

   Adolescences does n't work to much after high school

   I swear if my boss paid ever me in Trident Layers, I'd probably have to kick his ass.

   Heros don't wear capes, they wear dog tags.