Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   CheapEasyFast is for Traffic School not your women

   Whoever said nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree

   I heard “The Thong Song” three times today! Did Sisqo die or something?

   I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.

   Kim Kardashian dating Kanye? The only thing bigger than Kim's ass is Kanye's ego. They must balance each other out.

   NEWS FLASH: Dodgers announce opening-day promotion: first 1000 fans get a set of "HIV & HER" bathroom towels

   The older I get, the more I think I owe my parents an apology...

   If you take relationship advice from Taco Bell hot sauce packets... Congrats, you have reached rock bottom.

   I wouldn't consider myself Single, more like I'm in a relationship with Freedom!

   afros are comin back, thats cool......makes hiding easter eggs so much easier

   I know dream catchers don't work,, because I've never seen one in a car worth more than three thousand dollars.

   if they get defensive they are almost always guilty

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out... "Wow, who knew they had wi-fi up there?"

   My Ex went to her Dr.'s looking for something to treat headaches... He gave her some pills and said to give one to everyone she meets.

   I sit for 5 minutes laughing at my own tweet.. Then read it to my wife who looks at me in confusion...

   Praise be unto Jesus,, owned so epically on the Cross so that we may not be similarly Owned & who on the 3rd day turned Epic Fail to epic Win

   When I am in an extra big hurry I take a "Doc Bath" and rub each nipple with a wet Certs.

   I think I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. My liver might have just started waving the white flag.

   It's been 18 years since Kurt Cobain died in case you were waiting for his corpse to become legal.

   My favorite Easter tradition is when Uncle Gary starts giving everyone Stone Cold Stunners a half hour after the deviled eggs are gone.