Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pouring out a jar of marshmallow fluff. For my Peeps.

   people say "when pigs fly" but dont police have police helicopters...pigs are already flying

   When is it a good time to mention the Easter holiday tradition of eggs and bunny rabbits are pagan fertility symbols and the words Easter, Easter Bunny, or Easter Egg appear nowhere in the Bible? Not this weekend then?.....

   Anaconda Malt Liquor the only malt liquor approved by the american government and when you pop the top the panties drop

   Ever since I heard Drakes real name ie Aubrey I cant take him serious whem he says "ill catch a body"

   My wife's leaving me because of my obsession with Africa. Kenya believe that? Ghana be a messy divorce.

   Edward Scissorhand's death was probably from running.

   In a group picture, there is always the retard that does the peace sign.

   Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs... There seems to be a gap of information!

   There is a big difference between hating you and losing respect for you.

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   when butterflies fall in love...do they feel humans in their stomach?

   This Alzheimer's Easter Egg Hunt is taking forever...

   my friend saif "I don't give a sh*t about Christmas, Easter and New Years", but I do give a sh*t...So he is going to be very surprised by the type of Easter Egg I give him tomorrow. It's cheaper than chocolate anyway!

   Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?

   I wonder how awkward it was for the guy who invented clapping: *claps* "What're you doing??" Not Sure...but it sounds encouraging

   Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I'd come punch you in the face but I don't want my fries to get cold

   When I finally meet the love of my life, I hope he appreciates all the time I spent following him and hiding in his bushes.

   Turns out the guy I hired to be my life coach is actually a swimming coach, which explains why he kept wanting me to wear a Speedo.

   My 3 year old already has better handwriting than me