Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boy: So, you like bad boys? Girl: Oh Yeah! Boy: Well, I'm not to impress you or anything but at Walmart I enter through the exit door.

   I'll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life, I'm going to "let cool in microwave for 1 minute".

   Man it has been too long since I last got laid. The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.

   If you are talking to me and I appear as if I'm attentively listening, I'm probably just silently correcting your grammar in my head.

   You know you've been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook.

   Here is a dollar, go and call someone who gives a sh!t.

   Aside from Christmas, Easter is the best day to have Alzheimer's! You can hide your own eggs!

   my mom used to say "i dont want to hear a peep"...i just listened & that candy is very quiet

   Nothing ushers in the Spring planting season like the fresh smell cow crap emanating from the neighborhood....

   I don't think I could ever stab someone, I mean lets be honest I can barely get the straw in a Capri Sun

   It's completely impossible to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" without looking like a retard...

   Sometimes you just have to be straight up with people or they will expect you to bend over backwards.

   Just sold my hair to a wig shop

   x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 TRUST ME, You need this in life.

   The 2012 Alzheimer's Easter Egg Hunt has been cancelled....... The 2011 hunt is still going on....

   I just got a letter from my boomerang.... It said when I get a decent job and quit the drinking,,,,,,,,,,,,,( well, you know )

   boobs are proof that guys can pay attention to two things at once

   Setting up eggs on the fence and letting the kids shoot at 'em with paintball guns. That's how we do it in the country!

   Why does the Easter Bunny hide it's eggs?...Cuz it doesn't want anyone to know it's having sex with a chicken.

   I bet most of you are the kind of a$$holze that would bet one dollar more than me on The Price is Right.