Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dyed all our eggs green, so its officially a Green eggs and ham day

   Sometimes I put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.

   Easter is the most American holiday because it converts the resurrection of Jesus into the eating of chocolate.

   x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 is as useful and crucial to my life as Jesus is.

   just waking up... (yawn) So, did Jesus see his shadow when he came out of the cave?

   I cant wait to watch Kristen Stewart's new movie. I hear she has a new facial expression in that one.

   Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed,,, act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaaay better than you.

   Love's redeeming work is done. Fought the fight, the battle won. Death in vain forbids him rise, Christ has opened paradise! Alleluia he is risen

   I'll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid's acting like a spoiled brat...I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you're not looking.

   I couldn't believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I'd spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down.....

   Give a man fish, and he'll eat for a day.. Give me fish, and I'll ask for chicken.

   Jesus may have rose from the dead on this day, but I'm having trouble just rising out of bed!

   Had a long talk with an alien today, good news; they won't be invading us.. They'll just move to Earth once we're all done killing each other...

   Fried rabbit and eggs on this Easter morning...sorry if this was the last house the Easter bunny made it to.

   Dont you sometimes wish that you could just click 'like' on someones 'like'?

   There's only three things I wanna win at 1) Life 2) beer Pong 3) Video Games

   Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.

   I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

   Oh, you dropped out of school to pursue your dreams? Cool. I'll have a number 1 and hold the lettuce please.

   "I enjoy long walks on the b!tch." - a flea's online dating profile.