Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My local post office uses four checkouts unless it's really busy; then they use one.

   Never apologize for your greatness but more importantly, never over-exaggerate or fabricate your own greatness.

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time.

   Procrastination ...... I'll make a joke about it later.

   "This is for the time you peed on me. And this is for waking up so early. And this is..." - me, eating my kids Easter candy while they sleep

   Love doesn't ask why, it ask "When and where?"

   Y.O.L.O You Obviously Love Oreos

   There are a lot of deadbeat dads out there trying to make up for lost time by "liking" their grown children's facebook updates.

   On a scale of 1 to Osama Bin Ladin, how good was my hiding spot??

   Long skirts carry dust; short skirts carry away souls. ~ Old Proverb

   Y.O.L.O.???? Oh you've found out that you only live once? Please, tell me more about your other scientific discoveries.

   I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.

   It has been proven that girls with profile picture of them selves in the mirror are more likely to send nudes.

   When someone texts you 'k', just reply, "L M N O P Q R S T you V W X why Z"

   How to wash dishes: 1. Place dirty plates and silverware in the sink. 2. Wait.

   Don't let your past tell you how to live your present and future!

   For not knowing what's going on, dogs sure look embarrassed when you watch them taking a dump.

   You know when guys pee, and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ...........That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   I'm wearing the boxer shorts with the little hearts all over them tonight.... It's probably not a good night to go to jail...

   If you've never farted in a cup then handed it to a friend asking them "does this smell funny to you?", you probably can't deal with me.