Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me thinks that Zuckerberg bought Instagram because a girl didn't let him take her picture once

   If you are in very psychological relationship... Make sure (s)he's psycho and you're logical

   Time to delete my Instagram account now... Also,, what's Instagram?"

   watching the local weather girl and have no idea what it's gonna be like today....

   I started tramp stamp collecting. What? Its a real hobby

   i like to follow random people, star their tweets and throw in a trophy then quickly unfollow them. makes me a twitter ninja

   Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?

   If all men are pigs and they are all the same, then why does it take so damn long for women to choose one?

   Diet = Damn I eat that ?

   I found 2 bananas and a cucumber in my new girlfriend's nightstand. I think she has an eating disorder.

   Ladies: If "snuggling" is so important to you, have the guy do that BEFORE you have sex. Trust me...... He'll snuggle and snuggle and snuggle...

   I just know my co-workers will be really surprised when they find the Easter Eggs I left them in their office........ in the far right corner........ behind the file cabinet marked records from 1989.

   A Rabbit's foot is considered good luck! A Camel's toe should be considered really good luck!!

   I'm a little confused - Facebook just bought Instagram for 1 billion dollars. Didn't anyone explain that you can download it for free?

   I wanted to learn a second language and could not afford Rosetta Stone so I bought a Pitbull CD.

   Dear young girls losing their virginity... if you're age is on the clock, you're too young for the coc$.

   I be talking fast as hell at the gas station when I'm broke . . . lemmeget5on2

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart looked more like a fight-to-the-death battle royal between pajama-wearing homeless people.

   i put a grocery bag on the door when I ain't got no more garbage bags

   Ran out of toilet paper... So I looked around for a suitable replacement. Found a box of Kleenex. Should've examined the box a little closer as it had an added bonus of Vicks Vapor Rub. Now the butt is icy hot. :/