Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My fart on the train today cleared the carriage faster than an Arab with a duffle bag!

   What is it with blind people and walking their dogs?

   When Kim heard Lamar got cut by the Mavs she probably texted Khloe the number of her divorce lawyer

   "Ahh,,Yes,Yes,,,I can see where you're coming from." - My Urologist,,, He's a kidder,,

   There's a little "I'm jealous" in every "whatever."

   I've been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?

   Have you ever done it kitty style? It's like doggy style, but with purring, scratching and biting.

   I'm starting to feel bullied by all the anti-bullying commercials.

   Boobs… I was fixin' to write something clever… Boobs… What was I talking about? …Boobs. Forget it; it wasn't important.

   I don't know what you see in me, but daily I'm thrilled that you see whatever it is that you see.

   in other news, Rihanna was hospitalized earlier after an American Airlines Boeign 747 accidentally landed on her forehead...

   There is no worse bicthassness than snapping and blowing up on someone who hasn't done you any wrong simply because your miserable and pathetic life is stressing you out.

   Fellas; Don't just rush to hit it. Take time to know her, then you'll know how to love her emotionally and physically.

   A friend sticks with you through thick and thin. A best friend tells you if your butt's getting thick.

   Facebook buys Instagram for one billion?!? Idiots!! They could have downloaded it from the app store for .99 cents..

   Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.

   Have you noticed that the "&" symbol looks like a guy dragging his ass across the floor?

   Welcome to "Ticked Off Tuesday". Today's special is bitchy, sarcastic attitude, with a side order of I don't give a damn. Enjoy!

   Someone who dines in a diner is a diner........... I N C E P T I O N

   A woman recently fell off a pier while texting. Don't worry; she's OK. Before she hit the water, she was able to Google "how to swim."