Funny Status Messages

   If there is one thing that women have taught me... Is that it is OK to eat dessert before the main course! ;)

   Son of a B*tch! Every time some one likes my status my computer freezes up. I am trying to read my newsfeed so knock it off already.

   Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

   What is the difference between a pick pocketer and a peeping Tom? Pick Pocketer snatches watches…..

   Telling a cop you are so high you thought you were in London wont get you out of a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road.

   I tried dating Native American women, but it really wasn't for me. They're really in tents.

   Jingle bells, my foot smells, I pulled it from your ass. Get a beer and bring it here then pour it in a glass. - My Christmas song.

   I'm too lazy to I throw my hands up in the air and wave them like I just don't care. THAT'S how much I don't care!

   The FedEx lady would not take my package and told me to put my pants back on and quit calling her unless I need to ship an order.

   Right before I die, I'm getting my hand stamped,,,,, Just in case I wanna come back in again.

   Going "balls to the wall" is something that I will never ever ever ever EVER do, cuz... youch!

   Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.

   I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.

   "Will you love me forever?" She asked. "Of course." I replied, lying beside her...

   You call it lazy. I call it keeping housekeepers employed...

   Will you be mine? Blink for yes, lick your elbow for no. ;)

   NEWS: Scientists discover that doves can't cry............ Prince stripped of high school diploma.......

   Spelling bees think they're better than the illiterate bees.......... ( Sorry, I'll just let myself out..)

   My god you'd think a ship sank about 100 years ago or something.

   Ever feel like ur a vibrator? Good enough to stick up someone's ass to please them and then ur tossed into a drawer until you good enought to be used again!