Funny Status Messages

   Queen's Gambit: The only thing more boring than chess, is a series about it.

   Me: I'm not getting the Covid vaccine because I don't know what is in it. Also me: I'll have two McRib sandwiches to go, please.

   I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.

   anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

   A speedo is just a man’s way of saying “not today girls”.

   why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

   Stephen King's son is named Joe. I'm not joking, he is.

   You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one......but think the odds of winning the HGTV Dream Home are pretty good.

   My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch....

   Not today, Satan. Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

   If you keep referring to your girlfriend as your lady friend I'm going to automatically assume you met on Craigslist.

   AMAN: Well son...If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to put the milk back into a refrigerator, Then yes, I suggest marriage.

   Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in high school, and I definitely don’t get it now.

   Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

   Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

   I think that Biden got confused with picking Mayor Pete as Transportation Secretary. He is a Rhodes Scholar, not a Roads Scholar.

   I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   Does it bother anyone else when you here someone say, "I axe him"

   my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

   What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?