Funny Status Messages

   You have to be one thing or the other because if you're always about to be something then you're nothing.

   Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!

   hi say 2 wanted just I that out find you when irritating very it find may you... CONFUSED?? Now read it backwards..

   Rose are red, Violets are blue, Babe you're single, Cause I am dumping you.

   Ladies: Before you marry a guy, ask yourself, "will he be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?"

   if I could find a way to implement my voice ignition system with my micro-filament omni directional jet grid and combine it with an anti gravity quantum state lift disc, I could then sustain a magic riding carpet with voice guidance.

   Omg! I cant stand waiting in lines.... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   That chili I ate last night is causing gas bubble noises to occur in areas of my body that were previously believed to be solid chocolate

   I went to walmart today... I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof.... This always happens to me.

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.

   Please take the time to get to know me via my Facebook page. I think you'll like what you find. For example, I can type.

   Saturday... When adding whiskey to your coffee is NOT frowned upon.

   The workin man blues, is being wide awake before 5am on your day off.

   I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare him down while I order something completely different.

   I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

   A study found alcohol makes men better at problem solving, which is good news unless your problem is alcoholism.

   Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 200 facebook followers as dependents?

   I just woke myself up dreaming that I was waking myself up dreaming while I was laughing in my sleep. I don't think that's funny...

   Sometimes all you can say about a person is, "Bless their hearts." Southerners will understand what I'm talking about

   Ordale Pues, Lift Up Your Dress and I'll Do the Rest from Your Feet to Your Chest!