Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SARCASM: Giving me the exclusive power to humiliate idiots without them knowing it.

   Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I'd gone bald. Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.

   Oh, you hate when guys stare at your boobs? You should call the police and report the person who ripped your top three buttons open then.

   BALL SO HARD MUTHAFCKAS WANNA FINE ME." "Grandma, just pay the parking ticket..."

   My wife laughed at me because I struggled to get a proper full on erecti0n, I told her ''Its a lot harder than it looks''

   Oh, you have read every Harry Potter book? That's cool. So how long have you been single?

   H.O.E.S = Happily offering everybody sex.

   Can you still get a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch?

   The problem with Facebook is that everybody is on it. We plan to build a competing social network with nobody on it. - GOOGLE

   Why do people think that Jesus is coming back? It's not like he was nailed to a f-kin boomerang

   It is so nice that so many people have learned the golden rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". The unfortunate part is... no one talks to anyone anymore!

   The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

   One of my friends just called me and said his internet was not working...I told him to reset his router and he said "I can't, it's in my neighbors house" LOL

   I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.

   The most exquisite pleasure is giving pleasure to someone you love.

   Hey cell phone companies.. Can I tell me where I can find 4g? Oh there is none? Cause 4g is really 3g jus like xfinity is comcast!

   BTW,, I won't walk a mile even in my own friggin shoes,,,, So,,

   HEY,,,I've already lined up an auctioneer to read my eulogy...... No one likes drawn out funerals.... You're welcome.

   One of the worst things to contemplate while driving is 'where are my pants.'

   Come on everybody! Let's go to the beach today!