Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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New rule: If you hold the door open for someone and then they just walk by without saying “thanks”, then you're granted one attempt at trying to trip them. >:) 
If you had a sad or lonely childhood you're gonna be REALLY depressed by Bank of America's options for a security question. Unless you remember the name of you're imaginary friend or pet rock.
Okay, Mitt Romney you are worth 250 million, I have $25.42 in my account. You asking for donations make me question if you really have a grasp on this economics thing you claim to know so much about.
how did this happen? ----> amish-online-dating.com
I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.
My tweets are only motivational if your motive is to become an a$$hole.
"Woman impregnated at Motorhead concert seeks father on Craigslist." And they say romance is dead
Just adjusted my life insurance policy to include the purchase of a hologram of myself that will blend into the crowd at my funeral.
Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, kind of makes me wish I had genital herpes.
I perfected the art of swilling so that nobody could say I have a drinking problem.
I think Mitt Romney should pick Hologram Tupac for his running mate..
Today is National Stalking Awareness Day. Feels like it should be posted on Facebook.
"Face tatoo in college" was put up yesterday. 04-17-2012 21:03, maybe check beforehand? lolz /smh
Congress to release new economic recovery plan: Vegas, Baby!!!
The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.
I wish more parents let kids choose their own names. Then everyone would just be named Spiderman or Ariel or Fruit Rollup.
If cats could drive they would all drive Volvos and not like you.
Was born at night but not last night!
When I meet someone and I get a "Nice weather we are having..." I say, "My dog's toys taste salty!" I find it moves the conversation along.
Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment. 