Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everytime I give blood,,, they asking where I got it..

   Somebody water board me with alcohol!!!

   When you say Jesus backwards it sounds just like "sausage."

   I just named my whiskey "Titanic" because it goes down better with ice.

   We should hang out and stare at our phones.

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You'll be amazed of how much less you care.

   I wish I had the ability to see 5 seconds into the future so I could know whether to slam the door in someone's face or hold it for them based on whether they thank me or not."

   if I ever go missing, I want my photo on beer bottles instead of milk cartons because I want someone fun to find me."

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions.

   all that gym work and Ive got the 6 pack abs....olutely nothing to show it!

   happier than a retard with a sparkler

   Loves getting the mail at 3:30 in the afternoon. If my postman were any lazier I'd say he was Puerto Rican

   My panic room is any public bathroom that has run out of toilet paper

   Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn.

   I thought texting whilr driving was hard,, until my nana told me about the time she got her typewriter caught in the steering wheel.

   My current cardio workout consists of taking a fistful of Exlax right after I see a "Next rest stop,, 25 miles" sign on the turnpike

   I don't know whether to like or hate Baddie. Dude can be so mean sometimes.

   the fact that you know what's on the first page, makes you just as sad. Wipe you're eye's mate.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk

   What if no does mean yes? Just think how many spoons of sugar i've saved.