Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.

   Ive recently been wearing my wifes knickers back to front. Let's see if our lodger still gets turned on by secretly sniffing those bad boys!

   Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.

   My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

   *BREAKING NEWS* The man who recently took Ryanair to court after they misplaced his luggage, has lost his case!

   If “plan A” didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters.

   Cops dislike txtn and driving ...Really? This bj and beer should be fine.

   Dude is that Matchbox 20? Turn that up. Said no one ever.

   So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?

   Teacher told us how Tom Sawyer was a free-spirited tale of misbehaving rascals; then screamed at us to sit still & listen.

   Most priceless thing in my life??? My insanity...it makes everything ok :-)

   A new study says people who sit a lot die sooner. Basically, if you're a tennis umpire with a roommate who paints portraits, you're screwed.

   My nagging cough just told me I should be helping out more around the house.

   Just woke up from a nap with the WORST taste in my mouth

   education shouldn't be a debt sentence.

   Little known fact: George Zimmerman is as white as Barack Hussein Obama

   my wife just fell asleep on the couch with her mouth open... hmmm, tempting!

   ♫♪Yankee Doodle went to town...♫♪ Is Macaroni the feather, thehat, or the pony?