Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you leave your iphone unattended I will tell Siri to kill you in your sleep.

   Smoking weed doesn't make you cool. It's what you do while you're high that does.

   Women are only terrible at parking because we're constantly being lied to about what 9 inches is

   If I had a penny for every time you made me feel worthless; I'd be worth something by now.

   Some call it drug abuse. I say the drugs get what they deserve.

   You know something is seriously wrong, when you double the value of your car every time you fill up the tank.

   A 5-year-old is really just an alarm clock without a snooze button.

   My sister came back home crying over her boyfriend and asked me to console her...So I hit her over the head with the XBOX

   ˆjust sent my ex a picture of my flaccid pen!s. I just wanted her to know I was thinking about her.

   SWAG = (S)omething (W)e (A)ll (G)et tired of hearing

   The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

   Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

   The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.

   If it's true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

   gave my wife plastic surgery. I cut up her credit cards.

   Happy National Surprise Random Drug Test Day!

   My wife says I'm "Immature"... just because I snuck up behind her when she was reading her "Romance" novel and made kissing sounds.....

   If you invite me for dinner and serve ground turkey tacos,, you may as well turn on some Nickleback and wizz in my Fresca too........

   We're a family team here, we all need to pitch in. Cat, lick your butthole. Dog, eat my shoe. Fish, swim in your own filth.. I got dishes......And BREAK

   Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?