Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.

   Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8. You'd better f*cking be there.

   That moment when you check the price tag and sadly walk away.

   I'm so lazy I have to Google search "Facebook" just to go to their website.

   Fact:There will never be a movie or book called '' ''Think'' Like a Woman".

   It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.

   It appears the Dog Whisperer wasn't 'calm' and 'assertive' enough during his divorce settlement negotiations. .

   ‘Dog Whisperer' host finalizes divorce, must pay ex-wife $23,000 a month. I didnt know you can make so much money whispering to dogs,, I whisper to mine and she just looks at me

   Happy Earth Day...don't mind my tire fire......just can't seem to put it out.

   Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .

   I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it

   "I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw" - Lyrics from my country music song about parenting

   A great goal in life is to never let anyone you know see you removing a hair from your mouth.

   Feck as others would feck onto you...

   "Happy last earth day" ~ Mayans

   So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to stalk and flirt.

   With the price of gasoline I am willing to take the risk of no ozone layer for old school "Regular" gasoline.

   Here is a big shout out for slugs, those little guys are out there doing the same stuff as snails but without helmets...

   Oh for the love of Jesus please stop rep0sting this "If you want to remember you borrow money from them" sh!t. We have already seen it here ten times this week alone.

   Toothpase is the smallest section at Wallmart