Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never use turn signals..its nobodies business where I go.

   NFL Draft tonight....can't wait to hear the Jets fans moan about their 1st choice!

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

   We all have that one friend that makes us laugh with their stupidity.

   I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else

   Beware, ticket Agencies are apparently selling fake London 2012 Olympic tickets, although my ticket for the mens wheelchair triple jump seems genuine enough.

   Throwing lamps at people that need to lighten up...

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except for you.

   Who says white men can't rap? Have you ever been to an auction?

   Every time I consider being healthy, I remember pizza.

   Copper wire was invented by two Jews fighting over a penny.

   One of these days I'm staying home, and sending my hologram to work instead!

   The hardest part about solving this Magic Eye poster is that Seal keeps telling me to stop staring at his face.

   If you come into my office smelling like sweet and sour chicken, there's a 33% chance I will lick you if these HR complaints are accurate.

   I like to stare at people. If they try to leave I put one finger on my ear and say The Buffalo is roaming. I repeat The Buffalo is roaming.

   You know you are in for a sh!t day when you're sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic with your girlfriend & your wife walks in.

   Now they're saying cigarettes can cause rectal cancer. I'll be okay though, I'm always very careful to put them in my mouth.

   “What's marriage like?” “Oh, can't complain.” “That's good.” “No, she just won't let me.”

   I've tried experimenting with drugs. Putting acid in my wife's tea has been the funniest yet.

   Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. Possibly the most niche pub ever.