Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I can make at least one person smile, pee their pants a little or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted!

   Elon Musk looks like a goose that had its beak removed.

   My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, "No, we all seem to enjoy it".

   My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 70 degrees this winter.

   Being kissed while you're asleep is one of the purest forms of love. Unless of course you're in prison.

   The First Amendment is first for a reason. The Second Amendment is just in case the first one doesn't work out.

   Last night my car broke down outside a pizza place. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   "F" n----s.

   I wonder who is keeping Sunny D in business?

   Just booked a flight & under Special Requests I put “Please land the plane right side up.”

   Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out, "You have reached your final destination".

   As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

   Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

   I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

   Whatever…Reese’s Eggs are cheaper and taste better than real eggs anyway.

   Soon you’ll have to pay extra to have the plane land right side up

   Weather

   Whenever I see someone buying a 4-pack of toilet paper for their household, I think to myself, "Jeeziz, what do they do, s#it just once a week?"

   The 13% crowd has traded George Floyd for Kendrick Lamar as their new hero.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she's not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a great catch!