Funny Status Messages

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common. I hate you too. Let's date

   Giraffe/camel...same thing. Unless you're looking at the toes.

   I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I'm up to 1 hour a day. I'm slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.

   I'm ok with house hunting as long as it's done humanely and you eat all the houses you kill.

   I wrote a book called "How to Pick up Girls." Page 1 says: "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of people shrugging. (

   Pre-ejaculatory fluid - It's a sign of things to come.

   Snooki has written another book, which is an amazing accomplishment considering she's still trying to learn how to read her first one.

   Let's get drunk and cuddle, coz I want to cuddle your brains out tonight.

   One secret has kept our relationship going for all these years; whenever we argue and are mad at each other, we go to bed naked that night.

   Why do they call it "the birds and the bees"? I can't imagine those two getting freaky with each other."

   My money keeps unfriending and unfollowing me.

   Oh, you're having a bad day? In 1976, Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Now it's worth $58,065,210,000.

   SWAGGER is temporary but CLASS is permanent!

   Life is your audition for heaven or hell.

   pounding vicobeer at 11 in the morning!

   His O face?? Him playing air guitar whilst having an enema and having his nostril electrocuted whilst his chest is being waxed..mmmmm

   If David Hasselhoff doesn't describe his workouts as "sweating his asseloff," well then screw him!

   Fear exists for one purpose, to be conquered....

   The only thing my ex & I had in common was that neither one of us would suck a d!ck.

   Usually, the one you want, is the one you can't have.