Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HOORAY HOORAY the 1st of May,outdoor screwing starts today!

   Snakes are just tails with faces...

   To be completely honest, you should know that I am a compulsive liar.

   Everyones first attempt at a passionate kiss looks like a mule trying to eat a sugar cube through a split rail fence.

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for shit to happen.

   I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"

   Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

   Mowed the yard today and threw my clippings in the neighbors yard........ #SuburbanThugLife*

   Guys that can pass for pregnant shouldn't be allowed to take their shirt off in public.

   I was going to pull over and let the dogs drive for a little while; but they've already had a few drinks.

   I hope my memory foam mattress doesn't remember everything...

   I keep my head held high because I know there's a beautiful deaf, mute & blind woman out there that's going to find me irresistible one day

   98% of Facebook is women telling each other how great they look.

   Two weeks 'til America's Got Talent. Judges: A has been radio jock. An unfunny comedian. And a woman who's husband would have never advanced on this show.

   I have a dead friend on my Facebook. Is it wrong that I send her game requests so I can get credits?

   I think I'm going to start taking steroids. I don't care about muscles, I just want to be able to cross my legs more comfortably.

   Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.

   I had a very akwrd moment in the checkout line today. I grazed a lady's boob... It was embarrassing for both of us and the two people between us too.

   I think it would be cheaper to just buy stamps and mail my car back and forth to work.

   The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie.