Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear ugly people: Stop playing hard to get, you're already hard to want

   I went to Wal-Mart to buy shampoo. Spent $150 and forgot the shampoo

   I ShlT you not, Someone just asked me to be a standup comedian for their kid's graduation party.

   Dear cellphone companies: please please , invent a "unsend text" option

   Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.

   Dear God...thank you for all the good times you brought me this spring. Especially for that waitress in Myrtle Beach. You remember her....she kept screaming your name. :)

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   WoW. Think about that word. WoW backwards is WoW. And WoW upside down is MoM. And MoM upside down is dad's favorite thing. :)

   Bacon is bacon; eggs is eggs; dont let them boys between your legs; they'll say your cute; they'll say your fine; 9 months later they'll say it ain't mine.

   ~ What makes a Man happy? Daughter on cover of Cosmo, Son on cover of Sports Illustrated, Mistress on the cover of Playboy & Wife on the missing persons list.

   Want proof America's getting fatter?? I Almost ran out of gas waiting to make a right turn on a green light. Woman's ass took 5 minutes longer than she did to cross the street..

   I've never seen more than 600 dollars worth of cars in a 7-Eleven parking lot.

   Yes, America's the fattest nation on earth but that means were also the funniest when falling off bicycles.

   I think the show " America's Got Talent " Should have a question mark at the end of it

   My guidance councilor had a poster in his office of a kitten hanging from a tree that said "You should probably go ahead and kill yourself."

   I think it's pretty awesome to be overweight, because I can usually foil any trapdoor plans

   I will be the first rapper to rap about the troubles of programming a spare Garage Door Opener remote.

   I have a slight cold, so let me know if you need my address to send sympathy cards.

   The guy who invented "Take Your Child To Work Day" probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

   Nothing says you're out of shape like getting winded while vacuuming.