Funny Status Messages

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses

   I like that repubIicons are miserable now that ByeDon is thier president.

   If you're alone on Valentine's day to feel better just remember how for the love of a woman St. Valentine was in imprisoned then beat to death with clubs!

   Just give the Hedge Funds a 600 dollars check. They will be fine.

   Guys, read the fine print before selling your soul to the devil. There's no way to opt out of his email newsletters.

   I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

   Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

   If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

   ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

   you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

   I hate how documentaries make me feel guilty for throwing straws into a turtle's egg nest.

   Hey! Who remembers seeing men on tv ripping phone books in half? Hey! Who remembers phone books? Hey! Who remembers men?

   Presidents day is canceled until we get one.

   Hate how my automatic spell checker turns sentences like "I'd be happy to work for you" into "I'd be happy to twerk for you" which would be great if I was looking for a job as a Chippendale dancer.

   My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

   Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

   Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

   Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

   Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.