Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Contrary to what the facebook status box says, please do NOT "let it all out".

   Not saying I'm in dire need of affection but the next girl I date better be an octopus on ecstacy.

   I refuse to join your birthday calendar cult!

   Shoved my cat in the garbage disposal and accidentally wrote the new Skrillex album.

   I just went out and witnessed the transit of venus.. Now I have no retinas...

   Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

   Someone at work said something very funny today so I walked over to their desk, gave them a sharp poke in the ribs and said "LIKE".

   just read 1 in 5 people pee in the swimming pool...WTF, thats what the hot tub is for...

   if you cant afford to go on vacation,u can always drink until you dont know where you are

   only dead fish go with the flow!

   trying to act happy when no money falls out of your bday card! :(

   The best way to make a long story short is to tell it on Twitter.

   When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"

   The second Pop-Tart exists solely to hammer home the self-loathing initiated by the first Pop-Tart.

   A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"

   I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.

   My boss reminds me of a caged bird. He comes out flapping and squawking, sh*ts on everything and leaves.

   Girl's facebook status: I'm done with this sh!t.. Me: Did you wipe?

   Timex and Tampax should get together and invent something to let guys know its her time of the month.

   Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?