Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been watching all this "Jubilee Queen" nonsense with the Queen of England. Seriously, is she ever happy about ANYTHING?? She never smiles and I think the ROYAL Spanks must be too tight!

   The sign says NO DOGS unless handicap assisted...what are you blind?!!!

   The older you get, the better you are at doing, but the worse you look doing it.

   Sexual frustration should recharge phone batteries.

   The lady told me to make myself at home, so I shotgunned a bottle of wine, masturbated then cried myself to sleep. Best job interview ever!

   Remember when pressing pause on a VCR used to make everyone on the screen have a seizure?

   My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people's orders, because I hate people who can't use a phone properly.

   My favorite button on Facebook is the one that says “not now.” The world needs more buttons like that.

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get, it justdoesn't work that way. you are already hard to want.

   Ask your girlfriend if she wants to go dancing. If she laughs at you, she's a keeper.

   That Al-Queda #2 position is cursed. It's like being on the cover of Madden.

   Sometimes you wish you could just fast forward time just to see if in the end it's all worth it,..

   I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.

   a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. So GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE!

   A stepdad should be called a “Faux Pa.”

   Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those live forever.

   Just hired a cat sitter to sit on my cat.

   Haven't seen David Blaine in a long time. I'd say it's his best trick ever.

   I wonder if Pitbull reallizes that he is the NEXT Li'L John ?