Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You are the only person who will see you wearing your novelty boxer shorts.

   I have just enough ketchup packets in my desk drawer at work to successfully fake my own death

   I thought I saw Keira Knightley laying by the side of the road but it turned out to be a fallen tree branch.

   People who care what everyone thinks--"I don't care what anyone thinks!"

   I bet Floyd Mayweather paid the judges

   Take my wife....... for example !!!

   The only alcohol problem I have is i'm running low on vodka

   Nothing SCREAMS "I have a small peni$", more than owning/riding a Harley Davidson!.

   Lol at Labron... seemed very confused with what the word "redemption" means... as he avoided the question.

   It must be past the Celtics bedtime.

   looking forward to being embarrassed tomorrow...

   hey black guys. When you cover yourself in tatoos, you just look blacker...

   Currently having an "out-of-money" experience.

   Happy Saturday!!! May the only work you do be piecing together last night's drunk texts.

   I have way more eye contact with my computer screen than I do with any humans.

   oh hey Sobriety! no thanks, it's Saturday! Maybe you'll have better luck on Monday...

   Sometimes when your sad, no one cares. Sometimes when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time.

   Men cheat the most, women cheat the best.

   I think I had my zipper down when I slapped my girlfriend at Walmart. I could hear people murmuring,"OMG what a d$ck!"

   I didn't text you just to exercise my fingers, I was expecting a reply back...