Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women only need 3.5 inches to reach maximum pleasure. Yes...It's called a credit card.

   I often wonder why there is no step ladder next to the "Ball Washer" at my golf course...

   Oh! I saw something that reminded me of you today, but don't worry I flushed it..

   The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google search results.

   Admit it. When someone is mean to you, you spend the next 2 months winning arguments with them in your shower.

   I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.

   Super excited that bicycle seat sniffing season is already here!

   It was so hot today working outside I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.

   I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her to death.

   I hate it when tramps sit next to cash machines and ask you for change, cash machines only give out notes. If you want change, go sit next to a pay phone!

   STOP holding secret meetings about my paranoia!

   Jewish women aren't cheap with the bl0wjobs

   A beautiful woman touched my balls! It was with her foot when she kicked me, & she thinks my name is “sexist pig”, but I think she likes me!

   Yeah, Mr Real stupid.

   This cop is not buying "I need it to scratch areas on my back I can't reach" as an excuse for carrying an AK-47.

   If you're looking for the Poop emoticon on Whatsapp, go straight to the "people" tab.

   I want to start a radio station that only plays music by people who play instruments.

   This lady just said she's naming her baby Nevaeh b/c its Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

   I'm wearing one of those Chippendale bowties to make people wonder if my clothes are breakaway.

   I never know the proper handshake to give a black guy wearing a suit