Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got 99 problem, and dealing with you is all of them.

   John Wayne Toilet Tissue: It's Rough - It's Tough And It Don't Take Crap Off Anyone

   in just 9 months we will be witness to a population boom known as Shades of Grey Babies

   That moment when your smoking and the smoke gets in your eyes and makes then water : /

   The point of YOLO isn't to party and do a bunch of crazy sh*t cause you only live once. The points to go out of your way to do nice things, live life to the fullest.

   Some girls are like community colleges... Even if you're not the smartest guy, you probably still get in.

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date... it's never going to make it anywhere near that.

   Wanna hear a joke? WNBA

   Never judge a book by its cover, UNLESS the word Twilight is written on it... then you know it's s$it.

   Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I'm trippin? Tie my shoes. Can't stand me? Sit back down. Can't face me? Turn around.

   Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing!

   Everyone makes mistakes, accept for me.

   Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.

   Why is weed illegal and alcohol isn't? Weed is completely harmless man! Smh

   I should be in Top Chef the way I Wake N Bake!

   I had 3 bowls this morning. 1 of them was cereal...

   When I watch MTV cribs I don't feel bad about downloading music illegally.

   my "people you may know" is filled with douchebags who deleted me, oh no does this mean I'm the pretentious ahole?

   Turns out trolling LinkedIn for ladies to s3xt with was not such a good id

   I'm not buying that "Oops, I accidentally deleted you" line again sausage fingers.