Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mirror - "Ooh you look cute today!" Camara - "Lol, no."

   You cannot taste me until you undress me. Sincerely , Banana

   Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun.

   I like to send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" Just to see who`s dumb enough.

   When it comes to fighting let`s just say I have lightning-like reflexes…. I hit the ground fast.

   I did it in bed... I did it on the couch... I did it in the car... Texting is such an obsession.

   I was at a restaurant last night and I thought I saw a family praying at the table. It turned out they were only texting.

   Why do they call it a "Wonder Bra?" Maybe its because when you take it off you wonder where your boobs went..

   I think all women can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account.

   I bought my son a pet snake and the salesman said "Be careful those snakes grow up to 20 feet" I said "Shut up...snakes don't grow feet!!!!"

   I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"

   Your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you.

   I ruined somebodys life today... They stole my identity.

   I'm guilty of singing songs that I don't know all the words to, but for that 15 seconds I do know, I own that sh*t.

   Just put together some Ikea furniture without instructions and was able to build an extra table and two shelves with the parts I left out.

   Mud, Dirt, Poop, Grease and crude oil baby! Okay, I'm done talking dirty... let's have sex....

   I know! I'll go on the Internet and complain! That'll fix everything!

   I get carried away sometimes... Usually because I refuse to leave.

   There is a special ceremony for marriage so I think there should be a special ceremony for divorce too. One could say, "With this fling, I thee unwed." And then the congregation can throw all the husband's stuff at him as he walks out of the church.

   Just posted a hundred Father's Day cards, signed 'Your Secret Lovechild' to all the men in my neighborhood. Now all I have to do is hire a bus and pay a visit to the local orphanage to set Stage 2 of my plan into motion...