Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because ur wearing a metal mulisha shirt and ur tatted up doesn't make you a gangster... It means your trying to hard to fit in

   America... Where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

   It funny that when it's black on white, it's a crime. When it it's white on black, it's a hate crime.

   Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship.

   It's hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but it's harder to pretend you don't love someone when you really do.

   The leading cause of depression is reality.

   Fighting for peace is like f^cking for virginity.

   Do people who wear Tapout know that that's the name for what the loser does?

   Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check?

   I'm convinced half of you are on drugs and the other half should be.

   I wish some people would leave Day Drinking to the professionals.

   If I choose you over sleep, you must be f^cking special.

   I spend 500% of my life exaggerating!

   I really want a sandwich, but I just don't have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now.....

   I appreciate the transparency that the Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" and "5 second rule" are a bit much

   If you've never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party

   They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, I'm in a posh restaurant right now, and I've got a spider in a matchbox that says otherwise.

   Apparently, armored truck drivers don't really like surprise hugs as much as I thought they would