Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.

   What if there's money hidden behind every wall in my house? What if there's a sale on sledgehammers? What if sh*t's about to get crazy?

   If you ever want to feel stupid, read your Facebook status updates to someone who isn't on Facebook.

   I really think you should change your mind. The one you have now SUCKS!

   Well I'm turning 33 in a few weeks and to celebrate, instead of planting a bunch of pink flamingos in my yard, I'm gonna bury all the exes that stole my youth.

   Asses are made to be sat on and not spoken from.

   My GF is eating tortilla chips. It sounds like she's eating glass shards and gravel.

   I speak fluent apology.

   Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   Just woke my kids up and told them, “It's Father's Day! Where's my present?” They just started crying.

   Here's to no unexpected farthers day cards.

   My coffee started talking to me this morning and all I could think was, "This is NOT how I like my women."

   I've recently put three girls in the "friend zone" so they can know how it feels for once.

   Facebook just suggested that I "like" the exact beer brand I'm drinking right now. Currently searching my home for hidden cameras and plotting my escape.

   Symptoms may include insomnia, depression, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, nausea, stroke or heart attack. (shrugs) At least my headache is gone.

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   I'll never forget the first time my son said "I love you, Dad!" He was talking to the mailman, BUT how cute is that?

   I know there are people who really want to hate me, but it's nearly impossible when I'm kinda, sorta, REALLY amazing.

   "Hahaha, nice!" = "I'd like you to stop talking to me now."

   When life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.