Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The celebration of single moms on "Fathers Day" kills me! Single moms do some amazing things but keeping a man apparently isn't one of them. 

   when I'm feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar

   If there's one thing Ripley taught me it was never trust a Droid - Team Apple

   lesson to kids, dont play hide and seek at the bottom of the pool..

   Pepper spray comes in different strenths, for women who are only semi serious about getting raped.

   My girlfriend is pregnant but I have never slept with her. When I asked her how come, she told me some lame story about Joseph & Mary.

   Hello 1% battery, we meet again for the 5th time today.

   Today my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she said I was the other guy.

   "Can we all get along? Can we get along?" ...... Rodney King who were you talking to at the bottom of that pool.....or were you just doing a Bath Salt Day....

   I don't mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving... Well that's when I run you over.

   A friend told me he's jokes come from a dark place. So I locked him in my basement for a week. It was mostly crying, no jokes. He lied.

   I was just orally serviced in a rather splendid manner by an enthusiastic young lady and I'm feeling quite chipper about it indeed.

   happy father's day to all my daddy's... no homo though

   Rob Schneider looks like the type of guy that tries to jerk off on his own face.

   Cant we all just get along- Rodney King

   A cop texted me to pull over.

   Rodney King was found dead in a swimming pool. Goes to show you kids.....It's hard to snort coke when your underwater.

   Rodney King has been found dead in pool - Early reports say that the LA police are not suspects in his death.

   How much cocaine do I give a baby to make it stop crying? (Don't judge, its not my baby,

   My mom always told me not to do drug or talk to strangers, so I decided to do strangers and talk to drugs.