Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear coworker listening to your radio at a low volume instead of using headphones: country music sucks just as bad on 2 as it does on 10.

   Let's stop the hate and spread the love. Or STD's, as my doctor says they are 'technically' named.

   How come girl's sweatpants always say things like Juicy, Bootylicious and Fresh. They never say accurate things like Sad,Menstruating or Cellulite

   dn sı ʎɐʍ ɥɔıɥʍ ʍouʞ ʇou op noʎ ןıʇun ʞcuɟ

   If people are judged by the company they keep, then I'm in trouble. I've been hanging around with myself way too much.

   If you watch my marriage in reverse, my wife pulls a knife out of me and gets back together with her ex boyfriend.

   Two cars crashed into each other in Mexico. 57 Dead.

   Cigarettes are like hamsters. They're completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

   If cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?

   In the year is 2024.. Justin Bieber's cover of Mambo #5 has topped the charts for the past 10 years and has been declared the National Anthem.

   OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can't stop calling the addiction hotline....

   Does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.

   electrocuting the engineers.

   I want to get to know you better like, Do you have any cake? What kind of cookies do you bake? & Where do you keep these cookies & cake?

   When I'm on a diet I order the shallow-fried chicken.

   A Man is someone who can stand on his own two feet. A Boss is someone who guarantees we all eat.

   Good mourning...... I hope everyone had a Happy Father's Day, oh..everyone except Jerry Sandusky!!

   The last time she got 100% on a test it involved peeing on a stick.

   If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.