Funny Status Messages

   I once masturbated so hard I went temporarily deaf. Couldn't even hear the guy sitting next to me on the train ask for his hand back.

   When you ladies aren't home, us guys use your d!ldos to mix paint and do manly stuff with it, like put it to our Adams Apple and make prank calls.

   When you try and help an a$$hole out, all you're going to get is sh!t in return.

   I made a big mistake on my first night in prison. Apparently "I'll toss you for the top bunk" means something different on the inside.

   Whenever I really try to focus on staying focused I get less stuff done because I'm too focused on being focused.

   I'm supposed to be sore and bruised from sex, not manual labor.

   Looks like ''Assdusky'' is going to be happy now! Lots of younger men, and for a long long time! Enjoy that Comfy bed!!!

   I wish I was as nice to everyone as I am when I leave phone messages for complete strangers.

   Women claim to watch movies for the intellectual content.... please explain Magic Mike. It hasn't even been released yet, and I'm scared to sit in theater seats!

   Don't try to win over the haters, you are not the JURK wisperer.

   I find it suspicious that everyone's personal god has the same beliefs as they do.

   Here's wishing #Sandusky gets the "Jeffrey Dahmer" special

   It's ANYWAY. Not ANYWAYS. Seen the mistake too many times.

   Don't take life too seriously. Sometimes you have to learn to laugh at yourself. If not call me, I'll be glad to laugh at you :D

   I just saw a coupon for a "facial package"...totally got the wrong idea in my head on that one.

   Wow, ESPN hasn't mentioned Tim Tebow once today.

   You had me at: "I have an open bar tab."

   People who are on drugs don't worry me nearly as much as the people who should be.

   Bye bye "San-butt-sky"!!! 422 years won't be so bad...With good bahavior you'll be out in 200 or so...So long dirtbag!!!

   I dont want to brag or make anyone jealous but I can still fit into the earings I wore in high school.