Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm trying to think of a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon...

   Bruce Willis is working on the 5th Die Hard movie! They should call this one ''Just kill me already!!!''

   There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.

   TSA = Touchy Squeezy Abusers

   Silly prank: Transmit clips of backward devil talk to your neighbors' baby monitor at random times throughout the night.

   Wal*Mart now offers psychiatric treatment. I got out of there quick. I used the 10 issues or less line.

   wondering......how the HELL do they signal Batman during daytime....

   Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.

   Me and Megan Fox are fighting again.. I hate this..

   When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?", I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

   Women need a reason to cheat, men just need another woman.

   Always walking away from the chemist smelling f***ing awesome

   The most awkward part of a murder/suicide pact has to be deciding who goes first.

   At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs they are adopted?

   I'm not a perverted stalker, I just want to get to know your better without you knowing.

   I'm a superhero while I'm in my shower. I call myself Bathman.

   There is no ‘meant to be.' There is only ‘make it be.'

   If you have an extraordinary sense of humour and you are able to make sense and relate to my jokes without blushing, puking or being offended, then you are my kind of peoplez and maybe we should hangout sometime.

   Hey, DirecTV? Ummm...now that Viacom is being asses, can we have G4 back? Sincerely, 90% of your customers who DON'T care about the so called MTV showing 16 & Pregnant

   My girlfriend told me that I'm starting to annoy her because I relate EVERYTHING to batman.....What a Joker....