Funny Status Messages

   46 is coming for our 401(k)s. His plan removes the tax free status of contributions, so they'll tax our income going in, and tax our retirement money again when we take it out. Double taxation. Thanks to everyone that voted for this PUTZ.

   If gas prices continue to rise, I'll have no choice but to purchase a windmill to power it.

   Joe Biden just came by for a visit. It's funny because by the time he leaves, the toilet's never flushed and the cat's always pregnant.

   Of all the things that taste like chicken, it's weird that eggs are not one of them.

   Oh no! They blacklisted Pepe Le'Pew. Now where am I gonna get my "moves"?

   I'm worried about my friend, he can't stop buying cars... I think he has car owner virus.

   Whiskey is not the answer. Whiskey is the question, yes is the answer.

   Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom. Me: Take the car next time!

   There are 3 types of people: 1. Dog people 2. Cat people 3. Clean house people

   Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

   My neighbour wasn’t in when her wedding dress was delivered. She called to ask me if I would take it in for her, so I did and now she’s mad because I made it too tight.

   Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

   Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

   If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

   Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

   This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

   It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

   A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

   1.4 million convicted felons in prisons will be getting the $1,400 check, probably even dead people... True story

   If parents are homeschooling does the family album become the yearbook?