Funny Status Messages
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The way Obama keeps blaming everything on George W. Bush... I really don't think Bush has a chance of winning the election! 
I wonder how each of you guys look?
Only trust people who like big butts... they cannot lie.
What do you call it when 2 guys fight over a slut? Tug-of-whor
Pintervention: When an intervention is needed to drag your sig. other or friend off of Pintrest.
Summer where all the days run into each other and every day is a saturday night!
If you told me 100% of serial killers were "morning people" I'd believe you.
They're relea$ing two $eparate film$ ba$ed on the 3rd book in the'Hunger Game$' trilogy. I'm $hocked. Totally $urpri$ing.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
Its almost Barf day. That day you get one more year older want want to barf but can't so you induce yourself with booz until you do.
Saw a lady with back boobs at the beach. People with back boobs should wear backini's.
Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.
What is wrong with me!!!?........asking for a friend.....
Direct TV can't afford their bill with Viacom..... Guess they shouldn't have spent all their money making that miniature Giraffe for the commercials.
Anyone know where I could find a bunch of "Glad You Aren't Here" postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I'll need about 50 of them.
To all the single ladies out there who for some reason own a cat, please don't show up on your date covered in cat hair, its a huge turn off. Sincerely, every man in the world.
Women never shut up...Especially during sex.
No, no, no. I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.
I can't even figure out a v@gina how can I be expected to figure out emotions too. 