Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh man, it's not the weekend yet? I can't wait to stand around in some empty bar watching a crummy band and having weak drinks.

   "Where the streets have no name"...That,, my little ones, is probably why they still haven't found what they're looking for.

   Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation,, even if I'm not sure what it means

   Farmers complaining about the drought. Why not just buy corn at the store??..... idiots

   You haven't lived if you have never done a line of coke off a girl's ass.

   Doggy style, because sometimes you both just like the same tv show.

   Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never grew marijuana...

   Record temps again tomorrow....If I can find a lemonade stand, I'll be on it like a hillbilly on his half-sister!

   Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

   Got a problem with me? I'm pretty sure a status on Facebook won't fix it.

   I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the s$it out of.

   When someone says "be honest" what they really mean is: lie to me, but be as convincing as possible.

   8 planets, 1 universe, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and I just HAD to find yo dumbass.

   I hate it when teachers say "From all this talking, I assume you're done." From all this complaining, I assume you're single.

   Congrats on being one of the "cool kids" in Highschool. Too bad about the rest of your life though.

   Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23. Good going, America.

   Please don't dress like a slut unless you're really a slut...It's very confusing to us guys.

   Yeah, gonna sue McDonalds. Just ate 7 of their happy meals and now I hate myself.

   Thanks to "50 Shades of Grey" someones fingers smell like 50 cans of Chicken of The Sea.

   Not enough people realize the value of slacking off.