Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, please don't forget, safe sex is your responsibility

   As my car slowly filled with water, the last thing I would hear was the calm measured voice of my GPS, "Recalculating route."

   The Devil gave me my soul back, something about "Tasting like Vodka" Whatever dude

   Dear paranoid ppl who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, if you do find one, what's your plan?

   There are almost 7 billion people in the world, and you are the dumbest one. That is impressive.

   Life is ironic. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes..

   How I took scantron tests in highshool: " well... I Havnt chose 'C' in a while."

   Dear ex, remember those I love you more fights?? I won..

   The villian in the new batman movie is named ''Bain''........I know that Obama has something to do with this!!!

   Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   Bikinis should have an age limit and a weight limit.

   Reorganized my kitchen and installed new pantry liners. It feels so fresh now!

   "I'm shocked that several young, rich athletes have been arrested recently! " said, no one ever...

   Roses are Red! The Sun is Gold!....Now get on your knee's and do as you're told!!!

   I have one nerve left! And you're dry humping it!....Go Away!!!

   They are making us take down American Flags off Bridges, Fire Trucks all across America! Watch, The National Christmas Tree is next, because it offends some people! Take back our Country before it's too Late!

   Went to the doc's for my prostate check up. Is it normal for both his hands to be on my shoulders during the exam

   The harder you work, the luckier you get!!!...........Make it happen for yourself!

   Happy Birthday to the Greatest Invention you don't appreciate enough unless you don't have it! On this day 110yrs ago Dr. Kerry invented the Air Conditioner!!!

   If a guys says ''I can't feel anything wearing trhis condom!'' Ask him if he can feel you sucking the money out of his paycheck for trhe next 18 years!!!''