Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ladies stop complaining about not being able to find a nice guy who's not a player or cheats open your eyes i'm right here

   I'll bet the best part of being a cat is not knowing what the internet is.

   My nose hair and mustache have apparently completed their long-planned merger.

   If there's one thing I really can't stand when I'm drunk, it's up.

   A fartnership is that stage in a relationship where farting no longer draws a reaction.

   I need a job! I can't eat Healthcare!!!

   I have slowly gotten every single person that I went to highschool w to unfollow me. Kinda reminds me of my actual highschool experience...

   I always leave an empty roll of toilet paper on the wall so it feels neglected.

   Hamburger Helper is powerless if the hamburger doesn't WANT to be helped.

   I'm going to walmart in a few minutes....does this belt look OK with these sweat pants?

   I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds, but then I got a Facebook Account and now I'm over it.

   I don't know what all this fuss is about Same Sex Marriage! Me and my wife have been having the same sex for 21yrs! It's boring but it isn't worth getting all upset over!!!

   If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men?

   Got kicked out of a Gatorade convention. I guess standin behind the women and whispering "is it in you?" was the wrong thing to do.

   Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn't want to ruin my day by talking to you.

   Dear Ex, remember those I love you more fights? I won.

   I had so much coffee I made it to work in under 4 minutes but I forgot to bring my car!

   Hey, I'm a girl. I ignore nice guys, chase douchebags, and then complain about it

   When you put marshmallows in a ziploc bag, then label it "snowman's poop" just so you can show everyone at Show&Tell,,,, you're obviously gonna grow up and be a Superhero...

   I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!