Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

   . Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. ; )

   When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d*ck or a good memory.. I don't remember what I chose.

   I'm a leader. Not a follower. Unless it's a dark place, then f*ck that sh*t you're going first.

   If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.

   I'm surprisingly nice for someone who hates 99% of people.

   @ Nobody ... the bottle said 1 pill every 12 hours, not 12 pills every 1 hour.

   Always the blame game. No matter who the president is everyone's gonna say its his fault we are where we are. We're all Americans lets work together! Regardless of what party youre for! USA!

   Nobody can't 'except' you are a very spiritual person but I'm sure a few could 'accept' it.

   Due to the Economy, remember that money I said never to worry about?!!!

   I wish cake went straight to my Pen!s!!

   Please be patient… Beer isn't finished with me yet.

   Misery loves company. But only if the company is good looking. And brings booze.

   It may appear like I'm doing nothing, but i'm actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!

   I do not like being told what to do unless I'm naked!

   A woman who is clear on her desires, takes and does not wait to be taken.

   Sometimes I think I'm losing touch with reality. At least my imaginary girlfriend is hot.

   If my life was a movie, you would be here by now.

   Obama this, Bush that... How about if you're still unemployed after 3+ years you might just be a loser?

   A teenager's brain is 80% song lyrics.