Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know it's hot outside when you see the Pillsbury dough boy climbing back into the oven while muttering "Screw this, I'd rather be in here."

   You will always find me in the kitchen at parties... unless you've stashed the booze in a different room.

   So....Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass....DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison.....so much for complete cavity protection!

   Why do people always pick their noses when they're at a stop light when everyone can see them.

   it's so hot, my balls are now best friends with my knees...

   You know I can't stay mad at you masturbation sock!!

   I ALWAYS cry after sex because I don't know when I'm getting it again.

   If the sheets are still on the bed when it's over, you're doing it wrong.

   If I could vote for just Romney's hair, I would.

   Perhaps the greatest fashion revolution was moving the pads from the shoulder to the bras

   Religion - because thinking for yourself is hard.

   Yes please tell me your hopes and dreams because I haven't had a good laugh in awhile.

   I wonder when people without cars pick their noses...

   I'm shocked that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson! Especially, since I don't have any idea who the they are!!!

   I told her she has a nice ass. As a lady, she looked at me like my mom didn't raise me right. But we all know she'll smile about it in the ladies room.

   I once won an argument with a woman…in this dream I had.

   I have this arrangement where people leave me alone and then I let them live.

   Him to friends: I banged her like a porn star, she probably won't walk for a week. Her: I'm not even sure he was in me the entire time

   Why does it seem only ugly, fat or old chicks hit on me when I go out to the local watering hole?

   Finally, track and field. Where the men are men and the women are too...