Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re stranded in the middle of the ocean, don’t fart. Scramble the letters and make a raft.

   A guy limps into Dairy Queen and orders a strawberry sundae. The cashier asks, “crushed nuts?” and the guy says, “no, it’s just my bad knee.”

   I have finally figured out what's wrong with my brain - on the left there is nothing right and on the right there is nothing left...

   Somedays You just have to have an Attitude of Gratitude !

   Getting older is tough and I’ve tried to age gracefully but nothing prepared me for seeing Ice-T in a commercial for laundry detergent.

   Don't spell part backwards.. it's a trap

   Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

   No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

   How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

   "Elon Musk" sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.

   This thing of “Sorry babe I was sleeping” must come to an end. People must decide whether they want to sleep, or to be in a relationship.

   Masturbat¡on is like s€x, but without the smells and major clean-up.

   They don't need to microchip you. You're literally holding a tracking device right now.

   I’m trying to teach our self cleaning oven how to do the rest of the house.

   I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

   It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

   Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

   Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 10 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct.

   Some random number just texted me thinking he was texting his manager saying that he was gonna be a few minutes late today. So I just gave him the day off.

   Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.