Funny Status Messages
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what good is my android when my toilets in a dead zone 
What idiot takes a cab from Philly all the way to Bel-Air? And then he has the nerve to complain about the smell afterward.
I usually feel much better after I have evacuated all of the Westboro Baptist Church out of my colon
I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
sexier than socks on a rooster.
there is no better way to follow everyone in the world then here!!:) also I can save the money I spend on the van and candy!
I've paid for my sins. Now give me my change!
You had me at: I'm calling the police.
feels all warm and fuzzy inside. Like I've swallowed a kitten.
I would "like" many interests, tv shows, people, etc on facebook except I don't want to see the stupid wall posts I get as a result of it.
China has won 16 medals so far in the following sports... Ping pong, trampoline, and badminton. I'm not complaining, just wondering why there's no sports like bowling, dodgeball or beer pong?
NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars..
Make my heart skip a beat and I will rock your world. Make my period skip a month and I will collect your child support for the next 18 yrs.
their a Jehovah Witness Protection Program?
Show me on your minivan where did your life go wrong and spiral out of control?!?.
Making strangers uncomfortable since 1980!
If by girlfriend material you mean lying on the couch in my undies, shoving nutella in my mouth and smoking pot I guess I'm your girl.
My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.
Women say magazines portray an unrealistic image of beauty therefore making them feel inadequate. Then they buy 12 inch dild0s.
That earthquake lasted longer than Kim Kardashian's relationship. 