Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

   You can wear a t-shirt that says Archaeologist and just start digging holes wherever. Nobody will stop you

   Hearing those four little words always makes my day. “Your order just shipped.”

   I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

   Are 3-year-olds dishwasher safe?

   It’s okay to eat your driver’s license even if it’s been expired for a week.

   In the spirit of Mother's Day, the worst mother ever has to be Donsld Trump's mother.

   But Donald Trump is greater than Jesus Christ! If you don't think that, then you're nothing but a traitorous RINO!!!!

   Donald Trump is no longer president. If you're still talking about him, then it sounds like you have an unhealthy obsession with Trump but ok.

   I kicked my five-year old son out of the house because he didn't want to worship Trump. How dare he not want to worship the man who is greater than Jesus Christ. I have no son!!!

   Old Louie shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, 'crushed nuts'? 'No, miss', he replied ... arthritis."

   New Lockdown laws...Screw child labour laws. Going to gather up the neighbourhood kids and build an ARK....actually scratch that, lumber pricing is ridiculous...going to build a Death Star.

   It amazing how much people LeBron James has triggered for his common sense views. I wish I had his talents.

   Accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. Shestill isn't talking to me.

   Sent x-rays instead of pictures.... because it's what's inside that counts.

   Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

   Sleepy Joe Administration Won’t Allow National Day Of Prayer To Be Held At US Capitol This Year. what a dum arse

   Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

   My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

   Everyone’s a gangster until they touch something wet in the garbage